First off, HAPPY HALLOWEEN! Now back to the depressing stuff. We broke 100K cases in a single day yesterday. I knew eventually if we kept letting this spread that it would happen but it's another matter entirely to see it happen. As it was back in the spring, all I can think about are all the people walking around today that have no idea they are going to be dead in less than 6 weeks. It reminds me to hold my loved ones close and protect them at all costs. How can a person live with themselves if they didn't do everything they could to protect their family and one of them dies? Why would anyone take that risk? I still don't know and I never will. Not on a personal level.
I hate politics but I can't get away from talking about Trump. Like it or not he is right in the middle of this mess and if I want to archive these events then I can't be timid for the sake of sensitivity. He is still having rallies without masks or social distancing. At his rally last night he actually attacked all the doctors risking their lives to save coronavirus patients. He said they get paid more if a patient dies so they are rigging the numbers. Can you believe that? He is the president and we are in a lethal pandemic with over 235K dead and he goes after the people keeping us all alive? He's insane. He's evil. He KNOWS how bad this pandemic is. He is doing this on purpose but why I can't say. If you have doubts about him lying think about this...
It takes a large team to treat a patient. From LNA/CNA's to nurses to doctors, hospital administration AND the coroners! In order for Trump to be telling the truth then SOMEHOW ALL of those team members are going along with the lie. What, are they ALL getting paid to pretend more people have died? And there are 2-3 shifts a day and 2 rotations of staff per week. So who gets paid here? And who is paying them? How much? If you use your head you can easily see there is no proof of what he has said. AND it's impossible to do anyway. Then there is the death data from previous years. We have lost well over 300K more people this year than last year. It proves that what the medical community is saying is true. The death toll isn't faked. If anything it's low. I can't believe I am having to say all this again!
Sitting here, thinking about all the people who are going to die this Fall/Winter is a pain I don't know that I can describe. All it takes is a short interaction with the family of a victim and I have tears streaming down my face. And I consider that a good thing. I don't want to ever get numb to the numbers. because they aren't numbers, they are people. The lack of empathy I see from our leaders and citizens is shocking and heartbreaking. It's also enraging.
But I'm not as angry as I was back in April. Anger is there to help give us the motivation and strength to make necessary changes. And I did use that anger to do everything I could to prevent this pandemic from getting out of control and save lives. I will spend the rest of my life with my head held high. But the truth is we failed. The virus has spread too far. There is no way to burn it out now. Not without a really good vaccine. All we can do is mitigate and slow it down to try and keep healthcare from being overrun but you can see how well THAT is going...Now is the time to find my center and try to make my life as happy and loving as possible.
I'm no fool. With my health problems I could very well die or at least suffer serious damage if infected. All I can do now is my best to stay uninfected and live like it's my last days. Because they might be. I still don't know if I was infected back in March. I couldn't get tested. It might have been the flu or some crazy allergy that messed up my lungs. But since we have confirmed re-infection and know that a second case is usually worse than the first it makes no difference. I'm in the same boat either way. And I am not scared. I'm facing reality head on and in doing that I have overcome my fear. That's not to say that I want to die or that I won't do everything in my power to prevent it. Of course I want to live and will fight for that. But things like anger and fear take up too much room in the human heart. I need that space for love and joy.
I'm 38 with 3 grown children and yet in a way I feel like I only just grew up during this pandemic. I am so different than when I started. I keep saying that and it is more true each time. For as much hardship and pain as I have had in my life I now see that I was still very naïve. A tiny bit of my innocence was still inside me. Even though I didn't know it. I only now notice it because it's gone. But that's as it should be. I think on an instinctive level I knew it even as it was happening and that was why I was so emotional and angry. I was fighting the loss. But it is nothing to be afraid of. I want to know the world as it truly is. Not as I want it to be.
I've had to change so many of my stances on many things since the pandemic started as I have learned more and more. I was wrong about so much. But being wrong is nothing to fear either. The only thing you should fear is being wrong and refusing to admit it. If you still think the same way you did 10 years ago you are not living right. There is no reason to cling to any one thing. Life is an evolution of the mind from birth to death. I want to evolve as much as I can before my time is over.
So remember, you don't have to "live in fear" to take precautions and fight this pandemic. All you have to do is love your fellow man enough to want to safe his life. That is reason enough.