I feel much calmer now. Making the choice not to deal with certain types of garbage and taking a stand against those who want to let the virus spread has taken a large weight off my chest. Before I felt like I had this responsibility to "fix" everything. That meant trying to coax people who will never listen to me to listen. I was afraid that if I took a stand I would alienate people and wouldn't be able to help them. It was a sweet thought but very naïve of me. Anyone who is going to listen is already listening. It's not my fault if people go out and get sick even after they have been warned. It's not may fault if people don't like what I have to say. I can just let it go and do what I know how to do. Help people prepare.
It's no wonder I lost focus. Those people could try the patience of a saint! And in truth, I hadn't yet accepted that a bad outcome couldn't be avoided. I have accepted it now. There are too many people refusing to help. Too many who think it's a hoax or claim to not care. The virus has spread too far and we lost the little time we bought. There will be a lot of death and suffering before everything is said and done and it's not my fault.
I grew up thinking I was responsible for everyone and everything. I believed that if something went wrong it was either my fault or my job to fix it. I believed I had to make everyone happy and take care of them. But I don't. This situation has taught me so much about myself. I can see areas of damage and weakness I could never have seen otherwise. I have always known I was a little messed up from my past but for the first time I can see myself in a positive light too. I'm not a bad person and I don't have to fix everyone or everything.
I have no intention to abandon my goals. I intend to keep working and sharing what I know and learn so that I can help others. I'm just not going to worry about whether or not people "like" me or will listen to me. I intend to speak out against things that I see as wrong and then move on, back to my other work.
I think a part of the anger comes from me still holding on to the idea that we can still stop this. I saw people not cooperating as just not understanding. I see now that they either don't want to understand or do understand and don't care anyway. I can't do anything about that. Nothing I say or do will make a dent in it.
I sent out a message to several high ranking politicians asking for small loans to help people start small farms and local production. I don't know that it will be seen but I hope the idea catches on somehow. We don't have a lot of time to get things done and a lack of money is keeping a lot of people from being able to convert over to growing and raising food. The meat industry is a perfect example as to why we need to do it. They ADMIT that they are a vector for this virus by the very nature of their work, but the president used the production act to force them to stay open. I'm glad he seems to have SOME idea that we are looking at food shortages but that's NOT the way to deal with it. I hope the idea of loans to start small farms can provide a safe answer to the problem. It would help in so many ways too. It would be good for the economy and give some people a new career path.
I'm making masks for my husbands coworkers at the hospital but I am still slow at it. The work is too intricate for the sewing machine in my opinion. I may try to tweak the pattern a little and try the machine again anyway.
It feels good to let some of this go. It feels good to stop worrying that if I say what I think I will not be able to help as many people. The truth is, people who want help will find help, either with me or in another place. Most of the people I have been helping aren't mad at me for speaking out anyway so I seem to have been worried for nothing. I'm just the same as anyone else. It takes time to process things and every so often I need to have a freak out to deal with the stress of the situation. It doesn't mean I am bad or weak, just human. Anyway, it's time for me to catch the news and put all my sewing things away for tomorrow. Stay safe people.