It's been a while


It's been a while since the last time I wrote in this journal. I have been so busy, but I shouldn't neglect it. It helps me to be able to just scream into the void here and get things out. I am working on getting chicks hatched, a garden dug, a fence put up, making videos, writing the articles, and so much more.

I have finally accepted that people are going to be dangerous idiots. I am past the point of sadness and in full on pissed off mode. I can't begin to express all the things I have seen since I last wrote.

People are going nuts over chloroquine in ways I never would have thought. The didn't do this with the HIV drugs or any of the others. I may be being uncharitable but I am convinced I have figured out why people are acting like this. See, if the accept the fact that this is going to keep on going like it is, they might have to get off their lazy fat asses and DO something. We can't have that now can we!?

It is beyond obvious that what I told everyone would happen HAS happened. The virus spread to too many people. There is too much of it in the wild. It's endemic now. I expect that we will see some control gained in the next 8 weeks and then people will act like idiots thinking "it's over". It isn't. It never will be now unless one of those vaccines works, but that is a least 18 months away. And that is IF one of them works. I'm not holding my breath! If one of the existing drugs worked, it would work. But people getting them are still dying. You would think that simple observation would be enough to temper people's reaction. If some "hero doctor" who we have never heard of had all that success then why isn't it working anywhere else? It's not like they aren't giving it to these people! So stupid!

No, it will abate after the cities go to hell and only then will "they" get some form of control again. But as soon as people try to go back to normal. the clock will begin ticking again. We are talking about people who can't handle a couple of weeks of isolation! Let alone permanent life changes. So it will keep spreading quietly as always until mid Fall when the "second wave" will hit. THAT one is going to be brutal. When you look at the Spanish flu you see that the majority of deaths happened in the last 12 months of the damned thing! We are only just beginning.

All of this is nothing but academic if we don't secure the food supply. The shortages are already here. You can't get hatching eggs or chicks at any of the big online hatcheries and all my local ones are doing the smart thing and putting them in the incubator to get more ready by the Fall. People who farm aren't stupid. They understand the time and effort it takes to grow and raise food. Do people really expect the factory farm workers to keep showing up to work? Do you want them there with your food when they are sick? By the time you run out of food it's too late to act. It takes time for crops to grow and animals to be raised. I said the same thing about covid19. By the time you see it, it's too late.

We lost the opportunity to control this. We lost the chance to keep it from becoming endemic in the population. We lost the chance to keep our doctors and nurses from getting sick. I wonder how people will react when there are no more medical workers showing up? How will they care for the sick, and what will they do with all the dead? We still have time to answer all these questions with a solution to the problems. But people would have to be willing to accept it and work from dawn to dusk. They won't. So it's inevitable now.

I've changed. I knew it weeks ago but now it's evident and permanent. I am not as light hearted or patient as I was. I'm angry and disgusted. I have had things revealed to me that once known, can't be unknown. I don't like it, but it's making me tough. I am more determined than ever to keep moving, keep surviving and keep helping anyone who will listen to me.

I now know that something has gone very wrong in our system. People aren't acting right and they can't think either. I know it isn't a lack of education. I only got to go through 8th grade! Most of what I say and do is simple old fashioned common sense. The only trouble is, it isn't common anymore. I see it in the science denial. I see it in the way common people think that they can tell a doctor that "They know better" than them since they saw a YouTube video. I see arrogance, laziness, zealotry, and just plain selfishness as the norm in people. It's only the rare few that aren't like that. And even a few of them worry me. Every time I think they "get" it, I find out they don't. I get the "Well, maybe it will go away!" or "WHAT? you mean it's going to come back in the Fall?" Mind you, they are saying this while IT HASN'T LEFT IN THE FIRST PLACE!

But it's fine. All any of this does is push me harder. I won't give up and I won't turn my back on people. I'm a nobody. No one understands that better than me. But I don't see a lot of capable volunteers stepping up. There are a few, but not enough. I intend to stay alive and keep my soul in the process. Negative emotions are not inherently bad. Anger pushes you to change things. Fear warns you of coming danger. Grief tells you that once there was something to mourn to begin with, and can be again. Pain, tells you something needs fixing. We have trained our people to avoid pain and to hide from fear. But there can be no bravery without fear. Bravery isn't the absence of fear but action in spite of it. Fear is there as a warning only, to be accepted, overcome, and acted upon.

"The litany against fear."

I must not fear

Fear is the mind killer

Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration

I will face my fear

I will allow it to pass over me, and through me

And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see it's path

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing

Only I will remain

Frank Herbert-Dune

You don't conquer fear by denying it exists. You have to acknowledge it, face it, overcome it. THAT is where everyone in this is going so wrong. They want someone else to take the fear away with a drug or even a lie. But no one can do that for you. Denial isn't a lack of fear, it's what happens when you give into it. I won't. I swear it. I AM afraid. But I know it. I don't NEED it to go away. I don't need to be comforted. What I need is to think about the problems and work towards their solutions. I don't want to FEEL better, I want to BE better.

Several times a day I let the tears come, but only for a few moments. It isn't that I want to avoid the pain; it's that I channel it into something else. So yes, I am different than I used to be, but I am becoming who I need to be. There will be time to cry as long as I want later. Now, there is work to be done.

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