You know that feeling you get when you cry yourself out? The kind of tears you have due to the loss of a loved one or a major tragedy? That's how I feel. I have cried and raged and begged for 2 months. Now I feel heavy and heartbroken but too tired to cry anymore.
We knew. We knew almost everything the public knows about the virus now back in the first week of February. Everything on my Twitter feed from before Feb. 11, 2020 is gone but you can track some of it here. I am losing track of time. I can't even remember the date I launched this website. I could go look but it isn't really important.
I recently made a Facebook page to try branching out there. I can't seem to catch any traction though. I had to change my name on my accounts for safety reasons so I put out a message to the people who know me to explain. Someone I have known for the better part of my life replied 'Who are you and what have you done with my friend?" I knew I had changed from these events but didn't know it showed so much. He is a really great person. Driven and smart. I sent him the website link and hope it helps him. I hope it helps anyone who reads anything here.
My last several entries were very angry. I know they were. I just had to get it out of me. I am sure that the anger will rise again as things continue on but for now I am calm and ready to keep going. I can't control the events and I am not responsible for the world. I often feel like everything is my responsibility but I know logically it isn't. I just have to focus on the tasks in front of me and keep going.
I have many concerns about recent news. Many are calling for a lift of the lockdowns and we haven't even gotten this first wave under control yet! Then there is the issue of people not understanding that disease comes is waves that get deadlier before they get better. Again, I didn't expect this. I assumed everyone knew that we would face multiple waves. It was a mistake. People are as resistant to things now as they were in late January if you can believe it. First it was "it can only happen in china!" then it was "just china and cruise ships." now it's "the whole thing is a hoax because MY town is perfectly fine!" Notice how the bubble is closing in?
We need separate strategies for cities, large towns, small towns and rural areas. We all face different risks and have different strengths. For example, a very rural community my face little danger from the virus itself but is VERY susceptible to supply chain break down. They aren't a priority and as cities gobble up more supplies and less are made, they will fell the bite from that. Again, I made the mistake of thinking it was obvious. I guess it wasn't.
Doctors in small towns and rural areas are getting laid off. Doctors! In a Pandemic! The patient load has gone down so much that many places can't afford to keep paying their doctors. It is a combination of people that used to go to the doctor that didn't actually need to and that people are less likely to go in even IF they need to. My doctor is great. We have a good relationship and have phone appointments once a month. Just knowing her personality, she is one to find solutions where others see only problems. Telephone appointments are not enough to keep every doctor going. We also need screenings to decide who gets a phone appointment and who NEEDS to go in for diagnostics. We also need to get doctors more comfortable sending in prescriptions via phone or computer. I don't have the expertise to ofter much more on the subject. It's something medical administrators need to work out. I very much hope they do. We need people healthier now than ever before.
Being dirt poor sucks! The trailer I live in belonged to a family member of my husband. We bought it based on the condition it had been in a few years before that for a small price. We knew it would need work but...The people who lived here before us were NOT good people. Long story short they trashed the place. And I do mean TRASHED! The first time I stepped inside after we bought it I fell to my knees and cried. All the electrical outlets were ripped from the dry wall. All the internal doors had been ripped from the hinges and were missing. The floors were rotten through from water leaks that they had never bothered to clean up or fix. Large holes were punched into the walls and their teenager was allowed to scribble disgusting crap all over the place. When I got hurt a few weeks back it was from falling through the hallway floor. There is no functioning heat system and due to the skirting being kicked out the water freezes in the winter. It is hard for people to understand being too poor to just fix all this. We had no choice but to move in and we do what we can but the place needs to be completely gutted and rebuilt.
I have some major health issues but started driving for Uber and Lyft last spring. We were saving up to either get a new place or fix this one. THAT is not happening any time soon now. What little we saved was gone the first month I was out of work. We were able to put off the truck payment and get some plywood but we have no idea what we are doing. I have a small air compressor and nail guns as well as a new drill and rotary saw I got this past winter. We will figure it out but this pandemic makes things a thousand times harder. Even if we had the money we couldn't hire anyone to help. It would be too big a risk for them and us and I doubt we could even get someone willing to risk it. So in between learning how to build websites, social media accounts and working on the virus information, I watch videos about home repair.
I have tried applying for unemployment now that laws have changed but the website form isn't updated for it and I can't get through by phone. I just checked and today alone I have called 43 times. You can't even leave a message. You either get a busy signal or a message plays that says they can't answer the phone and to try back later. I sent an email about it but haven't heard back yet. I DID try to fill out the online form but it apparently didn't work because i got a letter 2 days ago saying I was denied because some random person, who's name and address I didn't give, didn't have me on record as earning anything. My tax return was recently accepted so maybe they can use that. I don't know.
I'm tired and the injury to my back is getting worse. Not that I can do much about either of those things. I have lost track of my physical therapy this last week and will make sure to write it into my schedule. Still it feels better to get it all out. I write this journal like no one is reading it but me. It wouldn't work any other way. For the most part I don't sanitize anything and I write the way I think. Whatever comes to mind when I sit down goes onto the screen. I'm so grateful for the ability to do it. I scatter bits and pieces of important information here without realizing it. As I get my feelings out I talk about the events that caused them. Going back over what I have written reminds me of things that I had forgotten. There is so much data and so much work that it's easy to lose track of things.
The chicken eggs I am hatching are doing better than I expected. As of today 14 are developing and I got very lucky yesterday. I have been calling around looking for chicks and when I called Tractor Supply yesterday morning they had just gotten in 100 Isa Brown chicks! The woman told me to get down there fast because she knew they would be gone by today. I immediately put on my gear and drove over. I bought 10 little female chicks to go with however many hatch from the eggs I am incubating now. My goal was to have around 20 hens laying by September and this should put me close. I had to get a makeshift brooder together as the supplies for the one I am making for the hatch don't come in until Tuesday. For now they are doing great in a large pet carrier with a heater outside of it. They can't fit in there for long but they don't need to. The big brooder will be ready by Wednesday. They are so cute! And Isa browns are an egg laying hybrid that is the best in the world. Each hen can lay up to 320 eggs year! It's something to do with first generation hybrids. Their babies will not be able to lay as many, nor can their parent breeds. They are a cross between Rhode Island red and Rhode Island white chickens. Both are very good dual purpose birds with good laying capacity but something about the mix kicks it into high gear.
We are making a door for the spare room tomorrow to keep the cats out. That will be where I keep the chicks and the plants until the ground thaws and frost is no longer a threat. Cats like to eat plants and pee in the dirt. My two hunters would eat every one of those chicks if they could. It's time for me to get back to work. I need to prepare seeds by soaking them overnight to plant tomorrow. I hope I have good luck.