Updated: Mar 27, 2020
BP: didn't get it tonight
It's been a couple of days since I bothered writing a log as things were pretty much the same. The good news is I am still holding my own. The bad news is I am getting a little worse. Nothing to panic about yet. I'm just keeping a close eye on it.
The lung pain is noticeably worse. I am having a hard time moving around. I run out of breath very quickly just going to the bathroom. I have been sicker than this in my life but given the potential and the fact that I am not only not improving, but getting worse, I am...vigilant. You know when you have really bad bronchitis or a lung infection and you get that weird taste when you cough? I started that last night. I'm still not getting any high fevers yet so that's good. Other than my lungs I actually don't feel too bad. Relatively speaking that is.
I started making YouTube videos and live streaming to get more information out. It's a different target audience and it's easier to just talk to the camera than being bent over the computer. I was singing on a stage by 3 years old so I don't feel too shy. Anxious, but not shy. I think the anxiety more comes from the combination of my personal issues and some of the real crazies I have stumbled on during this project. I put my foot in a hornets nest tonight!
Some wacko used the Governor of NV restricting the hoarding of the malaria drug to say "The Dems are trying to kill us all to make Trump look bad!" And you know me...I just COULDN'T keep scrolling could I? All I could think about was how scared people already are and how public figures saying things like that could tip them over the edge into violence. That's the real risk with this pandemic. More than collapsed healthcare or broken supply chains, it's the threat of people losing their shit and killing each other that has most of us scared to death. So of course I tried to explain that and of course he just accused me of being a "dem" which I'm not, and wanting to kill everyone...I tried explaining that I'm sick and want a cure as much as anyone but he didn't listen. What I was NOT prepared for was the number of panicky people agreeing with him and flipping out on me. I managed to talk one or two around but not enough.
It's so stupid! NO politician gives a crap about any of us! We need to be good to each other and work the problem because we are on our own here. The media and the politicians will be dying from the virus and STILL not take their hands off each other's throats. We need to be smarter than that. There are a few people that can see what needs to be done as clearly as I do but it is so hard to talk to people and get them calm enough to listen. It takes a lot of time. Time we may not have.
Today we had the highest number of deaths from the virus so far. Not that it will surprise anyone who is paying attention. It's only going to go up as the days go on. Numbers don't lie. We can see just based on how the virus behaves what it's going to do. We can predict it down to a shockingly small margin of error.
People either want to praise Trump's every move or hate everything he does. Very few are looking at the situation critically. If they did they would know the score. We didn't do enough, fast enough. That isn't a criticism, it's a fact. A fact we can see all around us every day. I don't particularly care who screwed up what. All I care about is what we need to do NOW.
And right now we need to shift to a war time production economy but instead of bullets and bombs it's masks and ventilators. We need to call on the retired medical workers not to fight on the front line of the virus but to train new medical technicians and set up clinics away from the hospitals so uninfected people can still get medical treatment. Injuries and illness doesn't stop for a pandemic. Babies will be born and idiots will hurt themselves at the same rate as always. Hell, maybe even a little more! We can't treat those people in infected hospitals! We can't put old retired medical workers right in the path of the virus. And we can't spare the young medical workers to treat the typical medical issues! It's plain as day what we need to do! Ha! That and about a hundred other things.
I'm not saying that there are not amazing people setting up local daycares for medical workers kids or factory owners changing their production lines to make vital supplies. What I am saying is there are not enough of those people. Our window to have ANY control over the outcome of all this is closing. It's in the data. I can see that giant cliff up ahead. I just don't know how to get people not to act like lemmings and jump off it!
I think about those that gave their lives to warn us. I think about the ultimate sacrifice they made to try and buy our lives with their own. And I think about how much of that precious gift has already been wasted. I can't think about those brave people without tears running down my face. And when I die, hopefully a long time from now, what will I say to them? Sorry! People didn't listen! No, I can't let that happen. I can't control the big picture of this but I can make damn sure that when I do face those brave souls I can do so with my head held high. I can look them in the eye and say I made the most of the gift they gave me. I did everything I could to share that gift with others. It's hard to type when your eyes are full of tears.
This pandemic has given me the opportunity to see both the best and worst sides of humanity. I have been truly privileged to speak with people from all over the world, some of them dead now, and learn about what they saw, how the felt, who they were. I spoke about one of those people on my YouNow stream last night. It was all I could do to hold back the tears. Not because they are dead now but because of how beautifully they lived their last days. All these events have changed me forever and I try as hard as I can to let that change be for the better.
I'm not some bloody saint! I struggle with the anger and frustration and instinct to reach through the monitor and strangle people. But then I remember why I am doing all this, what it all means. We each have to power to effect the lives of others. I am doing my best to make my effect a positive one. You can't help people with anger and hate. Only love can help other people. So I dig down deep and I pull from parts of me I didn't know I had, and I stay patient and kind, even when they don't return it. Especially when they don't return it. I mess up a lot too. I lose my temper and say things I shouldn't and make stupid mistakes. But I'm trying my best. I am trying as hard as I can. I hope for at least one other person out there, that my best was good enough.