Waiting for what comes next...


So it's been 12 days since the attack on the capitol. Things remain quiet but tense. There are over 20K troops in Washington right now just to make sure the inauguration of President elect Biden doesn't turn into a bloodbath. It's one hell of a deterrent that seems to be working so far. Only one person was found with fake authorization papers, a Glock and 500 rounds so...that's good? I mean I am glad it was just the one but it shouldn't have happened at all. The protests expected on the 17th were small and peaceful but we still have to get through the inauguration. Personally I don't know why we have to have a public inauguration this go round. Do it on live TV from an undisclosed location. Some think that there must be another reason for so many troops in Washington but I have no idea what that reason would be.

The pandemic is a nightmare. We lose 3500-4200 a day during the weekdays with around 250K new infections a day. They expect the new B117 variant to become the new dominant strain by March. We are seeing what it can do in the UK and in Southern California. There are other variants being found with troubling mutations as well. More contagious, changes in the protein spike, more able to dodge antibodies and possibly more resistant to the vaccine. Vermont is holding strong at around 150 cases a day and 3-5 deaths per day. I'm lucky to live here. I had planned to move out of state last spring but the pandemic stopped me. I was set to leave in March/April. I'm lucky I had decided to pay attention to the pandemic early on. It allowed us to change our plans.

We are supposed to hear from the bank on Wednesday about how the appraisal went on the new house. It's nerve wracking. If everything went okay then we are clear to close. If not then...I don't know.

The combined stress is getting to me. I am having nightmares about not being able to breath, about war, about all sorts of horrible stuff. It's my subconscious trying to deal with everything. Up until the nightmares started a few days ago I thought I was fine. I felt calm or I thought I did. The dreams have sort of shattered that illusion but it's okay. If my brain is telling me it needs to deal with things then it can go right on ahead. So I will admit it. I'm scared. If I get covid I am highly likely to suffer an acute case. My country is a powder keg and in a weak position internationally. Living in this rotten trailer is tough in the winter and I can't stand the idea of having to go back to square one on trying to move out. I have good reason to feel some fear.

I think it's important to share that as well. I have seen a lot of idiots shaming people for feeling any kind of fear or anxiety. As if it were some personal flaw rather than natural and understandable. I don't want people to feel alone and truth be told I don't want to feel alone either. I'm tired of the pandemic. I'm tired of the division in my country. I'm tired of living in this hell hole. I don't have to be positive about everything. Negative emotions are just as important as positive ones. Maybe more so. So I will admit it and feel it and deal with it.

I'll tell you what I won't do though. I won't give into the fear. I won't give up on staying uninfected or peaceful or getting a new home. I won't cower and I won't become reckless either. Slow and steady. Calm and rational. When your world feels like it is falling apart that is the way to go. So to deal with everything I will talk more, draw more, sing more, and live MORE. I promised myself I would not give in to despair and I won't. Feeling some fear doesn't mean I have to give into it. I will feel it and let it pass through me. I often think about the Litany against fear from Dune by Frank Herbert.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

It's not about not feeling fear at all. It's about acknowledging the fear you feel and mindfully letting it pass. It's not about denial but acceptance and in the end, peace. So that's what I am going for. I hope that sharing this will be helpful to people who read it. I hope it makes others feel less alone and less afraid. As always we will get through this. One way or another.

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